My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
