God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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