I wish my penis had an off switch
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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