I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
