I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
