I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
