my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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