It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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