Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
