I need to stop coming to work sober
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize