I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
50% drunk capacity currently
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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