I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
