you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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