Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
