there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
