she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
