My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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