Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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