thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well I just put wine in my tea
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
