Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Randomize
