It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
