That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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