On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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