I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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