my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
