im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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