dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
