fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
