you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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