Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
