Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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