so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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