I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
