Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
