i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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