I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Drake has all the answers
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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