one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
