So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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