I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
