you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hippo gnu deer
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
