There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
