This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
