I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
