I'm passing your future prison.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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