It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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