Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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