I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
