We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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