that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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