quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
