shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
