listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
