Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
