I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
