I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
