So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
