My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
