Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
